and don’t call me Left!

gives me Goosebumps just thinking about it

of course you don’t!

nobody prayed hard enough, so it got altered even more

no, don’t do that

nothin at all - nothin at all - nothin at all

“I’ll have the chicken”

“and how would you like that cooked?”

“aight I’m-a head out”

yo ho, matey! shiver me timbers and man the fuck-down!

if the MBTA ever gets its shit together, cars could disappear entirely in the city

don’t hold your breath for that one

similar 100% true story from a green text:

kid goes out for his 21st, and grandpa tells him that the secret to never getting too drunk is drinking some olive oil before a shot, so that the alcohol never enters the bloodstream, or something.

they follow through, and shit their pants after one round; ironically, the oil drinking did technically prevent them from getting drunk.

I don’t care if it’s fake, it’s still a hilarious idea

dads everywhere agree: click those tongs and slap those bags

lol nice

I just assumed it said “it belongs in a museum”

you mean the people that were cheering on the glorious tanks during the Tiananmen square parade

don’t forget to add some stanky interest on that principal

makanoff with the goods

offshore drilling could be jammed in the background, too

I would just get NPR on, at the risk of hearing a really interesting segment of Radio Lab and having a driveway moment and sitting through the conclusion right as I get to the location.

also works with cats. and, importantly, let them approach you. if a cat thinks it was their idea to be pat, then they will love it so much more.

the 3 day rule

animani-jacks