Statue That Just Found Out It’s A Statue is my new spirit animal…

I

HATE

SAUERKRAUT!

I guess that’s all I’m really trying to say.

“I remember when a dime bag cost a dime. Know what a condom cost?”

“Nuh uh.”

“Me neither. We never used the damn things.”

You sound just like my little weenie girl! I do try.

Drugs

Are

Really

Expensive

Thanks Obama…?

If your Doxie is anything like mine, those tissues had best be coming from the waste basket in the bathroom. Anything else is just empty calories.

They’re kinda endearing. Like a blind dog that’s always bumping into table legs.

Help us, Obilly-Wan! You’re our only hope!

Good luck climbing the ice cliffs, dummy.

It’s The Picard Maneuver…! This is a safe space, Mon Ami!

🎵Hello Poe’s law, my old friend…🎶

Fucking thank you! I was furiously skimming to see if anyone knew! It’s totes obvs that the ice walls block the wind, duh doi.

😘 you’re just to sweet for this world. Careful, lest i get diabetes.

Oh, are we doing non sequiturs now? Lemme try:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

—Abraham Lincoln

It ain’t much, but it’s honest work…!

I can’t read this. There’s no clown emoji anywhere. .5 stars. Disappointing work. Try harder!

pats head Good boy! Now sit!

I’m i talking you into circles? Are you getting dizzy? Are you seeing people that aren’t there? lowers voice conspiratorially Is the “sock puppet” in the room with you right now…?

They believed in me! Now, i get to be a REAL boy! Yay! Thank you, kind Internet genius!

Would it be too much work for a big ol’ juicy wrinkly brained individual such as yourself? Shouldn’t you be using your valuable time in a more constructive manner, such as computing pi to the 10,000th digit or something?