This is like the inverse of the trope of genies twisting your wish around.

Gotta love those folks. We could have Earth at one end, the Sun on the other, and they might pick a spot 46 million miles out in space to find the middle way.

I, too, appreciate you doing this write-up. For my past, I have some decades under my belt, and I recognize that small talk accomplishes what you describe. My wanting to carry a “certificate” is precisely because small talk has never become natural to me, regardless of the (moderate) effort I’ve put in. It felt weird when I was a kid, and it’s continued to be so through all the years.

I’ve made some great friendships, and the ones that have lasted have been the folks who never really needed small talk from me. They get where I’m coming from, and (quite thoughtfully) most have done what they can to soften things when taking me into larger group settings.

Tangentially, it was quite later in my life than it should have been that I realized I almost never am the person to end a conversation, especially on the phone, barring for urgent matters or upcoming sppointments. I just stick in there doing my part until the other person has somewhere else to be, not because I’m enjoying myself, but because it never occurred to me that choosing to end the conversation for any reason other than actual need felt like I was breaking some protocol.

All this to say, it seems I missed the day in skills handouts when I was supposed to have a chance for any kind of knack at this. And I’m fine with that.

The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.

OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”

That is just not where legs go.

Them being a calculator was my takeaway.

Long-time glasses-wearer. My face looks wrong without them, like someone missing their eyebrows. It is interesting how many little things around us are so different for us, like finding sunglasses that sit nicely, protective eyewear that isn’t kept too far away by my glasses’ corners, hats (less commonly a problem), any kind of helmet that approaches or covers the ears, headsets (I swear by earhooks). Not to mention the circumstances that fog them up, like sudden temperature changes (exiting a cooler building or car into a hot outside) or getting hit with a blast of steam from the kettle, oven, or whatever. Fog city, takes awhile to clear up during which I’m either blind because of fog or because of no glasses.

Their username, Almacca, can be rearranged to spell Am A Calc.